An open letter to Hershey's/York Peppermint Patties

I wrote this quite a few years ago, and decided to re-post it. While somethings have changed (I'm not married and I'm not waiting for their response anymore), some have stayed the same (namely, my love of peppermint patties).

Good day to you, sirs and madams…
The chill of the peppermint… the rich dark chocolate…. When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation that I’m skiing in the Alps- I’m being betrayed by what was once my favorite candy company. Where is the chill of the peppermint? Where is the rich dark chocolate? I don’t know, because my peppermint patty doesn’t exist. I am holding an empty, vacuum sealed package, in which the world’s most thrilling candy treat should be contained.
At a recent gathering of Rhode Island’s social elite, my wife dared our guests to “Get the Sensation!” and presented a party sized bag of York Peppermint Patties. Both the admiration and the jealousy were immediately evident on our guests’ faces, as we clearly achieved our position on the top rung of Rhode Island’s social hierarchy.
Oh! And what is this bold pink ribbon on the bag? York Peppermint Patties supports breast cancer awareness? So do I! You see, in purchasing your product I had not only made a statement about the level of concern I held for my guests’ taste buds, I also displayed my social awareness in hopes that others would do so as well.
But I digress… as the candies circulated their way through our gathering, I eagerly anticipated my turn to reach into the bag and select my chocolate medallion of heaven. With a pounding heart and shaking hands, I reached into the silver bag of treasure, just as a child would cautiously reach into his mother’s purse for whatever money she foolishly left in there. I deftly pulled my hand out, the silver and blue packaging of a lone patty between my index finger and thumb. As I looked at my reflection in the classy reflective wrapper, I ran my thumb across the top of the patty expecting to feel waves of dark chocolate frozen in time across the top of my delightful candy treat. Instead I felt instant shame and remorse. There was no patty. There was no “chill of the peppermint.” There was no “rich dark chocolate.” There was only a package- as empty as my downfallen heart, and full of lies.
My guests looked in shock and bewilderment, while I held the empty wrapper. Benedict Arnold had betrayed the fledgling American union. The Rosenbergs betrayed America for Soviet Russia. Milli Vanilli betrayed their fans repeatedly. And now York has betrayed the American populace by attempting to fraudulently present empty candy packages as full.
Benedict Arnold, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, and Milli Vanilli all lived out the rest of their lives in shame, as the recipients of anger and hate. Let that not be your future. I ask but a simple request: atone for your shameful wrong-doing and supply me with one York Miniature Peppermint Patty.
Failure to do so will drive me into the waiting arms of your competition. While they offer a candy both junior in taste and status, I have no doubt that Junior Mints will embrace my patronage with the warm breath and soft kisses of a newly found lover. I will reluctantly accept those, but my heart will always belong to the kiss of rich dark chocolate that you have offered in the past.
Speak soon, for my heart cannot bear the torment of a question unanswered. I look forward to having “the sensation that I’m riding on… the luge! Racing at over 100 miles per hour as the wind whips over my body!”

Respectfully,
Nicolas Hardisty